In the beginning...

Well, well, well, here it is, FINALLY, nearly thirty years in the form-ing? My spiritual crisis. It's not really a crisis, it's more like an acknowledgment. I'll try to keep it brief, but I must start from the beginning, o.k.?

Me & KMHD, we attended several Christian churches as children. Church of Christ, Baptist, Southern Baptist, and Catholic, to name a few. Our father forced us to go, just to get us out of the house for a few hours every Sunday. Almost annually, he signed us up for Vacation Bible School, I mean, that's a free week of daycare! Brilliant, Dad! Anyway, even as youngsters, me & KMHD understood that we were being treated strangely and we were always separated from the other children. Really. Two chairs on the other side of the room. These were adult Christian instructors doing this. Since we were together, we managed, we endured. Your guess is as good as mine as to why we were herded into the corner like that.

Our parents never really understood our not wanting to go. Maybe they just didn't want to believe us. Or maybe they simply didn't care. But our not wanting to go wasn't a slight to God or Jesus! According to the "Good Book", those guys are our salvation, our ticket to Heaven! It's just his followers, well, they aren't really following the Word, are they? We figured this part out pretty fucking fast -- His followers can fuck right off! (Please note, I believe that there are always exceptions, I know a handful of good Christian people who are spreading the real good word. I'm speaking generally, which, of course, is not that nice.)

We stopped going as soon as we could put a stop to it. I think it's fair to say that I'm still a little bitter. I don't walk around gnashing my teeth, dwelling on it, but I have a reasonable distrust of those who call themselves "Christian".

Let's skip forward to the present. I'm a full-grown! I've made it this far! Haven't been to church since then -- the closest I've been to the Lord is having read the Da Vinci Code! Well, actually, we went to Al Green's church last year, but our intentions weren't so holy and honest. (It was one of the best shows I've ever been to!) Lately, I've been watching Stephen Hawking's Universe & Carl Sagan's Cosmos on DVD. I've been reading some of Carl Sagan's speeches, too. I've come to the very recent realization that there is no God. Yeah, I know, BFD. I am usually in the company of heretics and non-believers., but sometimes these things don't have any real weight to them until you figure it out by yourself. Anyway, it's something that I'm not taking lightly because I still have 'the fear' in me.

I find some comfort in science. Sagan's demeanor is attractive, he is so kind. His words are, don't laugh, like hugs. He elegantly states that we humans, we are made of starstuff. When it's put like that, I'm amazed -- and it makes perfect sense! I can go on and on about it, but I'd run the risk of sounding like a New Age dork. But, I get it.

I'm not quite sure what to do with this realization, but, I feel somewhat liberated. If I only I can shed the fear, pluck out the root that was planted long ago! This knowledge does not really help with my attitude towards religion, but I try to practice tolerance and to exert some restraint when it comes to dealing with folks who just can't be reasoned with. Hurrah for science for helping me feel...o.k.